Decade, Light You Up, Hey Vanity, Standing Like Statues – Live Review

The music scene in Cambridge may not be quite as burgeoning as in other towns and cities around the country, but if this show taught me anything, it’s that scene strength makes no difference to how much one man can enjoy a gig.

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I was greeted by this endearing poster on my arrival, and was pleasantly surprised to see an extra band added to the bill. 4 bloody bands in one night for £9 (kept my coat with me like the shrewd economically aware genius that I am), get the fuck, in.

Standing Like Statues

Having only lived in Cambridge for a few months, I was eager to see what the locals had to offer. Though not hugely experienced, SLS held their own extremely well, particularly given some hideously frustrating and prolonged technical issues. Once these were out of the way however, their ability shone through. Frontman Jamie Wiltshire’s performance was particularly top notch, powering out lyrics with visible passion, accompanied by Beth Dalton, who is something of a pioneer given how few female band members you see around the circuit.

Hey Vanity

Next up was Hey Vanity, who I was particularly keen to see following their reformation from post-hardcore outfit Fei Comodo. The tightness of these boys was a real treat, as was the flawless stubble sprouting from all 4 chins. HV really set the standard, not just performance wise, but the atmosphere they created in the room made it all the more enjoyable. Exuding friendliness, and evoking some dusty old memories of Ace Ventura with their modest inter-song chat, I found myself grinning the whole way through. ‘Broken Artist’ was a personal highlight, as this well written track kicks off with a nod-worthy little riff which perseveres throughout, leaving you craving whatever else they have in their arsenal of finely crafted tunes. We were then informed by vocalist and guitarist Marc Halls that they would be playing a couple of new tracks, and these served to further improve my (and hopefully everyone else in the rooms) opinion of these immensely talented gentlemen.

Light You Up

I mentioned the impressive passion coming out of Standing Like Statues’ frontman, but I’m afraid he was trumped by Tom Napier, who wouldn’t have been out of place fronting Guns N’ Roses with his on, and mostly off stage antics. Jumping about like it was his last ever show, you have to admire his enthusiasm. Taking nothing away from the band, the songs were solid and very listenable, and they were (as was a delightful theme of the night) clearly enjoying themselves. The last song saw some crowd participation when Beth from SLS was invited on stage to roar out the final chorus, and the audience was rewarded with a very sincere thanks for watching.

Decade

The headliners of the night were Decade, a band I’d seen this summer at 2000 Trees festival, and was keen to see again as they were immediately likeable. With an awkwardly expert approach to proceedings, it’s wall to wall catchy classics, from the boppy brilliance of ‘Brainfreeze’ to the tormented and terrific ‘I Don’t Care’. Minor technical difficulties took nothing away from their show of skills, and we were given a lesson in how to entertain an audience without flailing about on stage like a daddy long-legs searching for it’s purpose in life. The crowd interaction cemented this show as probably the friendliest I’ve ever been to, it was just so bloody nice. Finishing off with exactly the same vigour that accompanied the first song, the pleasingly dense crowd was evidently having as good a time as I was, and the band left the stage looking rightly chuffed. I defy anyone to walk away from a Decade show and not have at least one of their songs welded to the forefront of their mind, they really are tremendously infectious and I can’t recommend them highly enough.

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Nicki Minaj’s Arse – A Lamentable Role Model

Listening to Radio 1 is often an arduous and unpleasant task for a man with such stubborn and pretentious music tastes, but my respect for the channel was inflated yesterday morning by Nick Grimshaw’s unsubtle slating of Nicki Minaj.

Her illogical and frightening popularity is perhaps the worst thing to happen to women since the Spice Girls called it a day. This is largely down to her flamboyantly sexual lyrics and excessively erotic videos that can be doing absolutely no good for the young women of today who will unfortunately see her as a role model.

So I have decided that because I am as qualified to comment on her lyrics as she is to influence the youth of today, I would take a closer look at her latest single entitled ‘Anaconda’. Rest assured reptile lovers, this song is unlikely to be a tribute to the large limbless beast you all know and love.

Watching the video, you’d be for forgiven for thinking this was some sort of nightmare aimed at any women with even a shred of pride in their gender, but no, this is serious. The video also seems to have very little to do with the subject matter of the song itself. Two major themes can be taken from the song; Miss Minaj’s pride in her “big fat ass”, which I can’t see too much of a problem with, for now at least. The other theme however raises some issues, as it seems to be describing Miss Minaj’s sexual attraction towards murderous drug dealers.

To start, we are greeted with the notion that someone in the possession of an ‘anaconda’ has no interest in a ‘hun’ who hasn’t got ‘buns’. Literally, this can only mean gentlemen who may or may not be supernaturally well-endowed are only interested in women with a large posterior. A huge generalisation at the very least, not mentioning the immediate body issues that this simple opening verse raises. So, off to a questionable start.

The first verse spat by Miss Minaj is an eloquent summary of her admiration for a young man named Troy. I see little reason not to assume young Troy is lucky enough to be a proud owner of an ‘anaconda’ given that the entire first verse is about him and his lucrative lifestyle of drug dealing, which allows him to purchase gifts for Miss Minaj that the regular Grass Snake owner could only dream of. The verse then gets a bit silly when drug fuelled murder is threatened. Take from that what you will kids.

This leads on nastily to the chorus, which, in true Nicki Minaj style, is entirely based around sex and her confidence in how unconventionally attractive her plastic backside makes her. Finishing with the poetic line “Dun duh dun dun dun dun dun”; we glide into the second verse after some light-hearted drivel from Sir Mix-a-Lot, and an ear strangling few lines depicting a jealous competitor exclaiming their forgivable disgust at Miss Minaj’s rear (I may well run out of arse synonyms very soon).

Something's not quite right here

Something’s not quite right here

The second verse is a pleasant mixture of the first verse and chorus, a shamelessly sexual description of another drug dealing acquaintance. When describing our new friend Michael, Miss Minaj doesn’t feel the need to continue with the serpent imagery, but instead moves on to towers to describe his colossal manhood. “Dick bigger than a tower, I ain’t talking bout Eiffels”, so we can narrow it down to being bigger than any form of tower, but no bigger than the Eiffel tower. Doesn’t narrow it down all that much but we get the message. The rest of the verse really is such gibberish I won’t be wasting my time looking into it, but the basic jist of it is he deals some cocaine then compares her sexual organs to Romaine lettuce.

Following the second chorus our ears are lovingly invited to listen to some of Miss Minaj’s trademark maniacal laughter and nonsensical rambling. She dedicates the song to her “bitches with a fat ass in the fucking club”; which is blunt but not THAT offensive, however following this up with “fuck those skinny bitches in the club” really does cement her as an unparalleled hindrance to the women of the world.

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Hit The Deck Festival – Bristol – 2014

It may have taken 8 months, but I finally recovered from last summer’s PFD (Post-Festival-Devastation). My self prescribed treatment was another festival, and this came in the form of Hit The Deck; taken once a day, for one day, all day, in Bristol, and boy did it do the trick.

This year is HTD’s fourth gathering, and is one of the countries foremost indoor festivals, priding itself on playing host to some of the most energetic and impelling alternative acts around. Having seen the lineup from last year, I had high hopes, very high hopes. This year’s looked good, but there was still plenty to discover. Saw these guys:

The St Pierre Snake Invasion – O2 Academy 2

What better way to start the day than with some Bristolian/Welsh wit and pizzazz? Having seen TSPSI during last summer’s festival season, I was well aware that missing them would be a gargantuan mistake. The title of their EP ‘Everyone’s Entitled To My Opinion’ sums them up far better than I, or anyone else ever could. Voicing his opinions on society with endearing cynicism, and pre-vomit squeals, Damien goes about his business face to face with the crowd. Meanwhile the rest of the band provide an impressively tight backing from the stage, that was never even considered as a suitable platform from which to preach. Embarking on a European tour this summer suggests they are more than the piss-about many might have disregarded them as.

The Xcerts – O2 Academy

Starting immediately after TSPSI downstairs, the modest Scottish three-piece flaunt their atmospheric set with marked professionalism and hair. That hair. Murray Macleod’s embracing  guitar, vocal and hair combination deserve better than the subdued crowd that has the pleasure of listening to such stirring sounds in the early afternoon. Two new songs provide further blissful listening, which left me feeling safe and warm, just in time for some metalcore.

Picture courtesy of www.thisisfakediy.co.uk

Stood on a Lego block

Picture courtesy of Sarah Louise Bennett

http://www.thisisfakediy.co.uk/contributor/sarah-louise-bennett/

Cytota – Thekla

Despite us only managing to turn up halfway through the set, Cytota’s burgeoning talent was clear to see, even if the on-stage activity did lack a bit of what would be justifiable confidence. Adept guitar playing and some remarkably vicious growls made for an enthralling show, and given a few more years, I’d wager these guys will be much higher up the bill.

Bastions – The Exchange

Making our way across Bristol to The Exchange, we arrived to hear the crushingly disappointing line “We’ve been Bastions, this is our last song”. After confirming with my girlfriend that that was definitely what they’d just said, but still watching on in hope it wasn’t, they finished and we left disappointed, not at the song – that was great fun – but that we had no idea stage times had changed. If there was some glaringly obvious announcement somewhere that we just didn’t see or hear, then fair enough, but we had no idea at all. Went for whisky.

Gnarwolves – The Fleece

After receiving directions from a grateful seeming traffic warden who was in the middle of begrudgingly ruining someone else’s day, we found The Fleece, which was probably my favourite venue of the day. Containing nothing more than necessary, this venue was perfectly suited to the crowd surfing sweat-soaked shambles that was to follow. Gnarwolves just know what this is all about, having a bloody good time in a room full of people who also just want to have a bloody good time. An almost overwhelmingly energetic atmosphere was only enhanced by the Brighton trio’s shout-able repertoire of snapshot skater-punk, and you find yourself enjoying having the odd arse in your mouth. I’d even go so far as to say, welcoming it, that’s how much fun I had.

Neck Deep – The Fleece

Despite having barely acquainted myself with Neck Deep in the build up to HTD, I was convinced to stay, and the atmosphere about the place well before they even started confirmed I’d made the right decision. I got the impression these guys had no idea just how massive their following is. The place was rammed, not a soul in the building was stood still, and every song was greeted with even more enthusiasm than the last. Ben Barlow was clearly having the time of his life, and the performance was all the more impressive as a result. Having said that, there’s little point me trying to comment on technical aspects of the performance, as I was too preoccupied having a fucking brilliant time getting sweaty.

Memphis May Fire – Thekla

Following a hearty burrito from My Burrito on Broad Quay, we headed to Thekla for a bit of Texan metalcore. The young crowd was treated to some genuinely beautiful coordinated head banging, and secured to Cory Elder’s chin is quite possibly the most powerful beard I have ever seen. Jake Garland’s drumming was a sight to behold, and set the standard for what was an incredibly tight and well rehearsed performance. Despite lacking the atmosphere I experienced at The Fleece earlier in the day, it was still a predictably stellar show.

Even bearded bassists need to sneeze mid set

Picture courtesy of Cara Jade

https://www.facebook.com/carajadephotography

We then headed to The Exchange in the hope of catching the second half of Brutality Will Prevail‘s set, but once again only caught the last song, though this time we probably should have realised times had changed, so I’ll reserve my annoyance for a more worthwhile time.

Tremendous day, and PFD has been cured, only for the epidemic to return in late September, as it does every bloody year. At least there’s three months of excitement and festival ecstasy to experience first, which is absolutely worth the bleak nine months that follow.

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April 23, 2014 · 9:29 pm

Slacktivism

Right now my Facebook feed is filled with girls posting pictures of themselves without make up on. Apparently this is being done in order to raise awareness of cancer. Is it being done because such rapidly spreading trends are proven to raise peoples’ awareness of cancer?  Or is this ‘raising awareness’ simply justifying somewhat attention seeking behaviour?

Before I deeply offend anyone, I am wholly supportive of any activity that seeks to improve people’s understanding of such a worldwide health issue, and contributes towards the ongoing research being carried out that is pivotal to improving peoples ability to live with and survive cancer. But ‘no make up selfies’ are not the way to do it.

Firstly, and most obviously,  posting a photo with the caption “here’s my no makeup selfie for cancer” does absolutely nothing. If you seriously think people are going to see that photo and say to themselves “Cancer? What on earth is that? Thought it was a star sign?”, you are simply incorrect. Now I should point out that some (in fact probably the majority) of the people most recently putting up these photos have done so along with a picture of the donation they have made directly to cancer research. This is great, do that, absolutely no complaints, doesn’t matter how much it is, keep doing that. Those that don’t, you could say it’s completely harmless and what does it matter? Well the other issue I have is with the nomination that accompanies these pictures.

I don’t think this nomination process is nice at all. It puts the nominated person in a completely unfair position, particularly those who are really not comfortable with posting pictures of themselves, makeup free or not. You are left with a choice, either post a personal picture of yourself on the internet, or feel guilty for not doing so because it is all “for a good cause”. Yes it is essentially for a good cause, and perhaps the more of these pictures that are posted, the more people will actually make donations, but it’s putting people in this unpleasant position that I really don’t agree with.

There are still good things to take out of this. The speed at which it spread among Facebook users has absolutely blown my mind, in the same way the ‘neknomination’ craze did (which, just in case you’re interested, I despised even more than this new well meaning fad, but let’s not sound like too much of a killjoy). Surely there is some way we can harness this and actually make something happen, get something productive out of it? It’s a basic starting point, but raising awareness of issues that aren’t well publicised, such as the Holocaust-like camps being run in North Korea, or the shockingly common practice of human trafficking and modern day slavery, can at least make better use of the internet and it’s unparalleled ability to spread whatever manages to gain enough momentum to go viral.

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Coldplay – Midnight

Today Coldplay released the video for ‘Midnight‘, a totally unanticipated new song. Beyonce did it with her latest album and everyone seemed to think it was a masterstroke. I’m all for surprises, but I’m also struggling to see the advantage, apart from rewarding fan’s patience with a few pleasurable minutes of realising their favoured artist hasn’t just been swilling Gout de Diamants for a couple of years.

I’m writing this after one listen, and as I like to think everyone knows, opinions of songs can change quite drastically the more they are listened to, but there’s no harm in chucking out some first impressions and early musings.

‘Midnight’ opens with an enchanting electronic aroma, which remains throughout, and is soon joined by some quite heavily modified vocal harmonies. Layers of simple electronic noise are built up over the next couple of minutes, though not so much that we begin to expect a classic Coldplay climax. That never really happens, and I almost wish it did. It continues with some largely inaudible vocals and builds a little bit more, but runs out of gas before anything memorable can happen.

Coldplay is made up of four proven talented musicians, listen to any of their previous albums (especially the first four) and you’ll realise that, but I can’t help but feel they’re trying too hard to be different, all while retaining their humongous popularity, which really isn’t going to happen after five albums without sacrificing an awful lot. Fair enough the piano and bass are audible, but that’s about as far as the showcase of instrumental ability goes, which I think is a complete waste.

The song doesn’t feel like a single to me, I can’t see it being released, it’s too forgettable, largely down to the absence of any lyrical substance. Chris Martin has an unprecedented knack for writing a lyric or a song that you will never forget. EVERYONE can sing a bit of Yellow, EVERYONE can sing a bit of The Scientist, EVERYONE can sing a bit of Fix You, EVERYONE can sing a bit of Viva La Vida, and EVERYONE can definitely sing a bit of PARADISE, they are (as much as some may wish they weren’t) incredibly well written and unforgettable. ‘Midnight’ does not stick in my head one bit.

When you’re a band as unquestionably massive as Coldplay, you can do pretty much whatever you want, so I can’t fault them for doing just that. But it pains me to see them throwing away some of their well-earned integrity just to keep up with the times. As I said earlier, this could well just be a one off release to make people aware they are still going, and as a legitimately obsessive Coldplay fan, I really fucking hope that’s all it is.

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Rock? Pop? Does it matter? Not at all, but I’m going to say it anyway

Last week I read this article on the BBC website claiming rock music had overtaken pop music in the UK album chart. My immediate thought was that this seems unlikely, but I’ll read it and see if this bold and broad statement has any weight.

“Rod Stewart’s ‘Time’ was the best-selling album to be classified as rock by the Official Charts Company, followed by Arctic Monkeys and Bastille”

Got to be classified as something right? Just makes things a bit easier. But where do you draw the line? And who gets to draw it? Is it fair for Rod Stewart to be in the same classification as Behemoth, who are the current number 37 in the Rock & Metal album chart? I’d argue that Rod Stewart’s music is far more similar to the likes of James Blunt, who finds himself in the top 20 of the pop album charts. My point is, I think, that genres are so crazily difficult to categorise accurately that statements such as “rock overtakes pop” are drastically too broad and vague to be considered accurate, and are frankly better off just being ignored.

The charts are something I struggle to take seriously, as you probably know, and I’m somewhat out of touch, but I think it’s worth pointing out that the music in the charts doesn’t even come CLOSE to covering the illimitable array of music that is out there that doesn’t receive the same publicity, and perhaps as a result does not appeal to as many people.

“Woolly definition”

It would appear Mark Savage, a BBC news entertainment reporter, agrees with me to an extent, as he claims that “Rock’s resurgence is helped by the Chart Company’s rather woolly definition – which includes Mumford and Sons (surely a folk-pop band) and Rod Stewart (better suited to the MOR category)”. Woolly is an interesting term, but I’d take it a step further and just describe their whole definition process as irrelevant and meaningless. If you’re going to cram anything with even a faint murmur of a guitar sound into the ‘rock’ genre, I say don’t bother. It’s as useful as a marine biologist comparing red fish to blue fish, when there are 35 million different sub-types of each.

I’m not saying “oh that’s not rock music, that’s just shitty old pop”; as easy as that would be, I certainly don’t have the right to make such a spunky claim, but I also don’t feel anyone else really does, apart from the artists themselves. But even then, if Katy Perry decided to claim she was a pig metal artist, well that would just be outrageous and fantastic, but she clearly isn’t, so there has to be a line somewhere. Either way genres exist, whether they can be categorically defined or not, and are an unavoidable aspect of music.

Both the BBC article, and the Chart Company’s genre’s are in my opinion complacent and inattentive. If I was in a self proclaimed metal band, and found myself sandwiched in the ‘rock’ charts between Rod Stewart and some other has-been with a marriage repertoire comparable to Henry VIII, I’d be pretty pissed off.

Should these two be classified as the same genre? Listen for yourself

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The Top 10. An Analysis Of The Pretentious Kind (part 2)

As was evident in part 1, I didn’t have the stamina to get through the whole of the top 10 in one go, so I split it in half, and here’s the second for you to waste time reading. These are the 5 most popular songs in the UK right now, let’s see how much respect for the population I lose (or gain, let’s not be too pessimistic (definitely lose)) over the next few songs.

5. Katy B – Crying For No Reason

This is a comparatively good song. The piano backing gives solid foundations to a reasonably well written and interesting song, that doesn’t follow the same formula of verse, build up, drop, chorus that a worrying majority of popular songs seem to stick to. Lyrically it’s simplicity done well, and is probably easy to relate to if you find yourself crying at things like standing on a woodlouse, waving goodbye to someone you’ll definitely see later that day, dropping toast butter-side down, mistyping the word ‘ok’, losing an eyelash… the possibilities are endless. Good work.

4. Gorgon City & MNEK – Ready For Your Love

Another mindless classic. This song was actually something of a guilty pleasure before I considered it properly. Painfully predictable and uninspiring lyrics, featuring a completely irrelevant astrological observation at the beginning of the breakdown, lend themselves to this song being a hit for any zombie in a dank and depressing nightclub. If you manage anything more than a slow sway to this poor excuse for a house tune, you’re trying too hard, and you know you are.

3. Pharrell Williams – Happy

I don’t know where he’s come from, but Pharrell Williams has managed to go from moderately successful beginnings, to basically being the king of pop music. He’s always there, sometimes with nice harmless songs such as this, but more often with quite unnervingly popular songs such as ‘Blurred Lines’, which miraculously got away with being a blatant display of male chauvinism. His domination is similar to that of Sebastian Vettel in Formula 1. Yeah well done mate, you’ve got to number one with a little help from mountains of cash and electronic equipment you pretend to know how to use, AGAIN, lend me a tenner you clever bastard. Admittedly though this is a nice song, almost impossible to dislike, as hard as I’m trying.

2. Will.I.Am – Feelin’ Myself (ft. Miley Cyrus, French Montana & Whiz Kalifa)

Where, the fuck, do I begin. Will.I.Am has written the two worst songs I have ever heard, and this perverse cacophony of immeasurable hogwash has made it a trio of abhorrent sounds coming from that parasitic wart claiming to be an ‘artist’. This ‘song’ has literally made me a little bit angry. Do people really enjoy such thoughtless and hollow drivel? It pains me to inform you that this is about Mr Am being present in a nightclub and flashing his unjustifiable wealth around, in an evidently successful attempt to impress Miley Cyrus and these other two cretinous oafs who have turned up. As if this wasn’t cocky enough, he persists to tell us about the love affair he has with his reflection, proclaiming he is “da shit”. You are “da shit” that is clogging up the airwaves with your contemptible sound which only serves to highlight your grotesque lack of integrity. I could go on for hours, but I’ll save it for another time. This heinous excuse for a piece of music makes me seriously fear for the people who enjoy it.

1. Clean Bandit – Rather be (ft. Jess Glynne)

The number one then, does it deserve to be? Let’s put it this way, if Will.I.Am is deserving of number two, even the sound of John Prescott masturbating deserves to be number one. This song though is actually quite interesting. A reasonably complex electronic backing and excellent vocals provide welcome relief from the aforementioned abomination which I can’t let go. The video is fun, and again quite interesting, which I like. But I’ll tell you what I don’t like, Will.I.Am. What a class A cunt he really is.

Da Shit

There we go then, that was fun. This brief snapshot of popular music has suggested to me that although there are clearly some talented people there, they are being forced to pander to the will of the masses, who just want to listen to something that requires no thought or proper engagement. As long as there is a beat and some easy to remember words to slur at each other, people will enjoy it, which I think is a complete waste. If people enjoy listening to this sort of stuff, that’s fine, I just wish they would spend a minute or two thinking about it. Music has SO much more to offer than this lot. Think about it

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The Top 10. An Analysis Of The Pretentious Kind (Part 1)

I know I’m not alone in feeling completely left behind by the ‘Top 10’ chart. There was a time not long ago when I could reel off the top 10, perhaps even the top 20 just from memory. I’d like to say this is because I just had lots more spare time on my hands back in 2001, but I fear that is nowhere near true. Instead my tastes, and the tastes of the masses have changed, though for the latter, the overly simple term ‘change’ is arguably not the correct way to describe the drastic musical shift that shapes the charts year after year (I’ll try to clear that one up another time).

So I thought it might be fun and enlightening to listen to the top 10 as it is right now this minute. Modern music is one of very few areas of popular culture that I actually have a strong opinion on, and though I will try my best to be positive and open-minded, I can’t promise I’ll refrain from tearing whoever is responsible for a song I don’t like a new fuck.

Source: http://www.bbc.co.uk/radio1/chart/singles

10. Jason Derulo – Trumpets

When an artist’s career peaks 3 seconds into his first release because of the way he said his own name,  you can’t blame him for becoming lazy with his lyrics. Mr Derulo decides to refer us to someone else’s songs, rather than thinking of his own lyrical assessment of the songs subject matter. Flattering for Kanye West, Katy Perry and Coldplay I’m sure… Come on JD, at least have a go, it doesn’t even have to rhyme. As for the ‘instrumentation’, it all sounds suspiciously like no real instruments were used during the recording of this song. I feel my point is proven by the final chord being the Windows 3.1/95/98 ‘Tada’.

9. Beyonce – Drunk In Love (ft. Jay Z)

I have a huge amount of respect for Beyonce. In my opinion she is the most talented female entertainer on the planet. Jay Z, phenomenally successful man, excellent rapper, but this song just makes me wonder, surely I’m not the only one who doesn’t particularly want to know about their drunken private lives? The simplistic beat is great, but leaves no escape from the onslaught of personal information hurled at us, with little or no attempt at a metaphor that would usually make songs of this ilk far more acceptable. Fair enough Jay Z’s verse probably does have plenty of meaning behind it, but I’m struggling to work out what else “your breastases is my breakfast” can really represent. A bit more subtlety and this could be neat.

8. Avicii – Hey Brother

As much as I want to hate it for being pretty boring and generic, I can’t deny this songs likeability. Frustratingly catchy lyrics, a simple and infectious melody (this is something I really need to get used to) add up to a song that’s very easy to mindlessly listen to. If in 30 years anyone has any clue who Avicii was, I’d be very surprised. But fair play, he’s hopped on the grossly overloaded bandwagon driven unrelentingly by David Guetta and isn’t harming anyone. High praise indeed.

7. Neon Jungle – Braveheart

Struggling with this one. I don’t get it at all. Erm ok, the first verse makes use of a new grammatical trend I’ve noticed. “I’m on that…” is used in several sentences that if said in normal conversation wouldn’t make any fucking sense at all. “Hey, what are you wearing tonight? Any idea what time you’ll be staying out till?” “I’m on that ripped jeans cigarette, I’m on that 3am bizarre”, “Ok thanks, see you later”. Tragically I have a bad feeling this will go the same way as the previously incorrect use of the term “literally” and actually become the norm, just because so many people say it, and have subsequently forgotten how this sort of sentence is supposed to be put together. That’s the best I can do, I’ve bored myself there.

6. Pitbull – Timber (ft. Ke$ha)

I’ve tried to be positive, really I have, but my patience is wearing thin. Pitbull has displayed his unparalleled genius via this songs awe-inspiring link between the word “down”, and the term “timber”, known popularly as the word lumberjacks would shout as a felled tree plummeted down to the ground. There’s the link, just there. That’s it. Right there. Brilliant. The song itself, I’ve pretty much already heard it 3 times today, and it’s had a different name each time, it’s boring. This song is utter horse shit. I’m going to stop now as I’m annoying myself.

This has been an interesting exercise, I’ll attempt the top 5 in the very near future

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The Most Productive Evening Of My Current Life

Having toyed with the idea of writing something for no reason other than to wonder why anyone would ever read it, I’ve come to the liberating conclusion that it doesn’t matter either way. I’ve been encouraged by one person I know, and another I don’t, that writing a blog would be a good idea. Perhaps even a GREAT idea, and as the title suggests, I’m feeling productive and anxious not to waste anymore evening. Right, to the point.

A couple of months ago I reviewed Jamie Lenman’s 22 track album ‘Muscle Memory’. When I say reviewed, I in fact mean grotesquely adorned it with praise of the most excessive nature, as you can see:

The sadness of Reuben’s ending in 2008 has painfully intensified over the years, but now we can brace ourselves for another lesson in pristine songwriting, courtesy of one of the most under-appreciated musical masterminds much of the world has tragically never known, Jamie Lenman. The 22 track double album entitled ‘Muscle Memory’ erupts with 40 minutes of bowel-bursting bass and riffs that will rip you in half. ‘No News Is Good News’ is a showcase of what Lenman can do, combining Meshuggah-like force with his unmistakable growl and unwaveringly frank and authentic lyrics. ‘Shower Of Scorn’ perhaps struggles to keep up with the rest, but ‘Muscle’ sees us off in a colossal and beautiful fury. Suddenly we’re safe and sound in the second half ‘Memory’, the diversity of which serves to show why fans were so justifiably excited for Lenman’s return. ‘If You Have To Ask You’ll Never Know’ is a true demonstration of intense natural songwriting ability, and immense banjo playing, while the sneaky key change in ‘Pretty Please’ raises eyebrows and further widen smiles. The album’s accompanying artwork is worth a good chunk of your time, and re-enforces the feeling that Lenman has enthusiastically shared something deeply personal with you

If you ever manage to wipe that cringe off your face, you can listen to the album itself and then write a vastly more accurate review than mine. It’s great fun.

Can’t help but feel I’ve got the tone of this ‘blog’ completely wrong, so it’s time to fuck off. I’ll leave you with this piece of instrumental mastery from an old pal I haven’t seen in years whose talent I haven’t seen mirrored.

The fact I’ve only just noticed the music I was listening to when I started this has turned to silence, suggests I’ve been concentrating too hard. All the best.

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